Subject: New SuitsJokes for the Week Ending February 9, 2001
New SuitsMarcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits,we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest black cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "There is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from...and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hassidim were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."
"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?" He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."
Subject: The Importance of Superbowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says,"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No...They're all at the funeral.
Subject: True Alabama Valentine Card
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with it's stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
P.S. I think yore slicker'n deer guts on a door nob.
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
Scroll down please...
Drum roll, please.
"The Czech is in the male."
Subject: She's New To Football
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, " That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? "Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods" "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
Then the couples makes passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" the wife ask. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." " Oh yeah, What would Tiger do?" " He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to the bed to make love a second time. When they are finished, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that," "Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?" " He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they are finished he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial... The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole".
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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