1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
   1. Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
   2. Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
   3. Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
   1. A ball
   2. A ball and 2 coats
   3. A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
   1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
   2. Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
   3. Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
   1. Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
   2. Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
   3. Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
   1. A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
   2. Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
   3. A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
   1. A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
   2. A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
   3. A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
   1. Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
   2. Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
   3. Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
   1. A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
   2. A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
   3. A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
   1. Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
   2. Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
   3. Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.
10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
    1. Count all votes and declare a winner
    2. Count all votes and declare a winner
    3. Get the press to declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers...

If you answered:

mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck

    Benefits of Growing Older

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• No one expects you to run into a burning building.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You can eat dinner at 4:00.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You send money to PBS.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Warning: This joke has a very bad pun at the end!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments. They downloaded files. They did some genealogy reports. They created labels and cards. They did every known job. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of course- the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."

• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
• The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
• I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
• I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
• People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
• People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
• I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and ragged it fifteen feet.
• I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
• You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
• The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
• Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
• I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
• The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
• A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
• You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed; "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and stopped their arguments on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 10:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said; "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied; "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there'sanything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

     Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

     Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

There once was a frog King, who was king to thousands of frogs and they all lived in a huge grass hut, believe it or not! Now this Kings minions loved him dearly, and they would do anything for him so he didn't need any slaves. This king had a hobby of collecting Thrones. He had hundreds of them, and he stored them all in the attic of the huge grass hut they all lived in. Every time he got a new throne that he liked better than the one he was sitting on, he would store it in attic along with the rest of his collection. Presently, he was sitting on a very large and ornate, Gold throne. This throne was very heavy and was also very cold and hard to sit on, so the King was hoping to add to his collection soon. Then, his best friend from a neighboring kingdom, CROAKED! and left his throne to him in his will. After waiting an appropriate mourning period, the King sent some of his runners to pick up the throne. They soon returned with a beautifully carved, jewel encrusted teakwood throne which also had a padded leather seat cushion. WOW! He fell in love with it right away, and soon his people were trying to move the heavy old gold throne up to the attic with the rest of the collection. Well, it took hundreds of his people to push and pull this very heavy gold throne to the attic of this grass hut. As soon as they reached the top of the stairs the weight of the gold throne plus the rest of the stored collection was too much for the GRASS HUT and it collapsed, killing THE FROG KING and all his PEOPLE!...

The moral of this story...

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES, SHOULDN'T STOWE THRONES