An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, " It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well" said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful!

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

The Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first little piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first little piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?

You're gonna hate me for this...

Hold on to your seat...

I swear I didn't make this up...

At the risk of never receiving e-mail from you ever again...

The third little piggy said...

"Well, somebody has to go Wee - Wee - Wee all the way home!"

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz -Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!......... More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

   And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.

• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You can't remember... is pot legal?
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• You can't remember... is pot legal?
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out, and there s a report on every news channel about "STORM WATCH!"
• Hey... is pot legal?
• Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
• Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
• Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.
• And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians can't afford to turn on the lights.

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

The following groups of people are stranded on their own deserted island

1. 2 Italian Men and 1 Italian woman
2. 2 French Men and 1 French woman
3. 2 German Men and 1 German woman
4. 2 Greek Men and 1 Greek woman
5. 2 English Men and 1 English woman
6. 2 Japanese Men and 1 Japanese woman
7. 2 Chinese Men and 1 Chinese woman
8. 2 Bulgarian Men and 1 Bulgarian woman
9. 2 American Men and 1 American woman
10. 2 Irish Men and 1 Irish woman

After one month the following observations were made of the islands

1. One Italian man killed the other man for the Italian woman
2. The two French men and the woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois
3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
4. The two Greek Men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
5. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
6. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
7. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
8. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the the Bulgarian woman and started swimming
9. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and her relationship with her mother is improving and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
10. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is the picture because it get sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."