Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace in the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish!"

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

Man in hospital after shooting own penis

Dayton Daily News

PIQUA | A 28-year-old man was taken to Upper Valley Medical Center on Saturday night after shooting himself in the penis. According to the sheriff's report, the man was cleaning his gun when it discharged a .22-caliber bullet.

The man was believed to have been drinking at the time.

The White House is not just getting a new team, but a whole new language. George W. Bush will be bringing with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange.

Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions you may encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
   • Not overly intelligent.

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
   • self-explanatory.

3. Tighter than bark on a tree
   • Not very generous.

4. Big hat, no cattle
   • All talk and no action.

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
   • We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
   • He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7. She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth
   • That woman can talk.

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
   • We really could use a little rain around here.

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly
   • Appearances can be deceptive.

10. This ain't my first rodeo
    • I've been around awhile.

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
    • Not the most handsome of men.

12. They ate supper before they said grace
    • Living in sin.

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope
    • Stop arguing and do as you're told.

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
    • prone to boasting.

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits
    • You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your drivers license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candywrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no! Not the breathalyzer again!"

There are these two guys named Tim and Mark. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Mark dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Mark returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, Tim."

"Mark, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know Tim, there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."