Jokes for the Week Ending April 27, 2001

Jokes for the Week Ending April 27, 2001

The Hamster Story
Letter to the IRS
Additions to the Periodic Table of Elements
Lessons Learned
Out of the mouths of babes...
Bad American
Could be you...
Pyramid for Men
Gardening Tips
He Said, She Said

Subject: The Hamster Story

Just in case you decide to get a hamster you might want to consider the following:

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice.

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, GROSS,!" they shrieked

Well, isn't that just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through this trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, Breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master, er, er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just...EXCITED?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its.. .teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

And women have the gall to go through the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)

Subject: A Letter To The IRS

April 23, 2001

Internal Revenue Service
State Processing Center
Holtsville, NY 01150-0115

Dear Taxmen/women:

Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

J. Smith

Subject: New Additions to the Periodic Table of Elements

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense & sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Element Name: ADMINISTRATIUM
Symbol: AD
Atomic Weight: overbearing, being the HEAVIEST element known

This new element has no PROTONS or ELECTRONS, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 NEUTRON, 125 assistant NEUTRONS, 75 vice NEUTRONS and 111 assistant-vice NEUTRONS, giving it an atomic MASS of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called MORONS, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Since it has no ELECTRONS, Administratium is inert. However it can be detected as it impedes each and every single reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to it's discoverers; a minute amount of Administratium causes a single reaction to take over four days to come to completion, when it would normally take less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead it undergoes what is called a RE-ORGANIZATION in which a portion of the assistant NEUTRONS, vice NEUTRONS, and assistant-vice NEUTRONS all exchange places. In fact a sample of ADMINISTRATIUM's mass actually increases over time (!) since with each RE-ORGANIZATION some of the MORONS will inevitably become NEUTRONS, forming new ISOTOPES.

This characteristic of MORON promotion leads some scientists to speculate that ADMINISTRATIUM is spontaneously formed whenever MORONS reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morass. You will know it when you see it.

Subject: Lessons Learned

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following supposedly came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've learned from my children... (honest and no kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Subject: Out of the mouths of babes

The mind of a six year old is wonderful.

First Grade... true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the weelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Subject: Bad American

Bad American

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I like big cars, big tits, and big cigars.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack whores squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dammit.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think Oprah is a big fat pig.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of school, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just
leave the rest of us out of it.
This also applies to sexuality.
My heroes are Clint Eastwood, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f#@$-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I enjoy watching high speed pursuits, the more damage the better.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your dick, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when she is a fat pig with self esteem issues, and you are President of the United States.
If that makes me a bad American, then yes, I'm a bad American. If you too are a bad American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back.

Subject: Could be you...

Will we end up like this?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

Subject: Pyramid for Guys

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (Please) One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Damn the luck...

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W. J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William J Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Slick Willie Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Hillary Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Rainbow Coalition
Washington, DC

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Moral Advisor to ex-President Bill Clinton
Washington, DC

Right Rev. Jesse Jackson
c/o Jesse's Rent-a-Riot
Miami, FL

Subject: Gardening Tip

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn to a ripe red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

Subject: He Said, She Said

He said...	I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...	You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...	Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...	Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...	What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...	It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said...	Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...	Well, you succeeded.

He said...	'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...	'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

Priest...	'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...	'Who's gonna look?'

He said...	What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...	Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said...	Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...	Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said...	Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...	I would, but you're never there.

He said...	"Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said...	"That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

On wall in ladies room:	'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it:	'I do not'

back