1. You're Different -- And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3. Robert: Dad's New Wife
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6. Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy That Snitched
10. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12. Grandpa Gets a Casket
13. 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22. Your Nightmares Are Real
23. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24. You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the roughall of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, and a kind faced elderly woman opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside throwing cow manure all over her carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."

She turns to him with a wink and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet!"

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

We have a condition often found in folks of our age. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. It's called the "But first Syndrome."

It's like when I decide to do the laundry - I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry, But first I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack, But first I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook?

Oops! There's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook, But first I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away, but first I need to water those plants.

Head for door and Ack! I stepped on the dog. The dog needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants. But first I need to feed the dog.

At the end of day:

• Laundry is not done,
• Newspapers are still on the floor,
• Glass is still in the sink,
• Bills are unpaid,
• Checkbook is still missing,
• The dog ate the remote control.

AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious... and I should get help, But first I think I'll read all my email.

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
11. Same work... more pay.
12. Wrinkles add character.
13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
14. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
20. You know stuff about tanks.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
25. You can kill your own food.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of kindness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
34. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
35. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
36. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
37. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
38. You almost never have strap problems in public.
39. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
40. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
41. You don't have to shave below your neck.
42. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
43. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
44. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
45. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
46. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Bored in meetings? Play Meeting Bingo!

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!

How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!

Testimonials from satisfied players:

"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I won."
     Jack W. - Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
     David D. - Florida

"What a gas. Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
     Bill R - New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the 5th box."
     Ben G. - Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'Bullshit' for the third time in 2 hours."
     Kathleen L. - Atlanta

A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue.

He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.

What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover? Asked the IRS auditor.

Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?

Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like you.

• Sag, You're it
• Hide and Go Pee
• 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
• Kick the Bucket
• Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
• Simon Says Something Incoherent
• Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
• Spin the Mylanta Bottle
• Musical Recliners
• Operation