1. You make over $250,00 a year and still can't afford a house.
2. It's sprinkling outside so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
3. Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named, "Breeze".
4. You can't remember... is pot legal?
5. You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
6. You can't remember...is pot legal?
7. A really great parking space moves you to tears.
8. The guy in line at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and dark glasses, who looks like George Clooney, *is* George Clooney.
9. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
10. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
11. It's sprinkling outside and there's a report on every news channel about "STORM WATCH 2001!"
12. Hey, is pot legal?
13. Over 85% of the cities, towns and streets start with San, Los, El, La or Santa.
14. Two overcast days in a row drive you mad. (Come see us in June!)
15. A family of four owns six vehicles.
16. Even if the store is right across the street, you drive there.
17. You're sure? Pot is legal?

And finally a question:

17. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. Californians can't afford to turn on the lights.

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover; he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!", replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!", says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the bloody hell is going on?"

The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"

1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or a 'damn' in it."
11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"
23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, 'Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
28. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
30. "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
34. "We won't be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.

What Does PMS Stand For?

21. Pain Management Sucks
20. Probably Moving (to the) Sofa
19. Pardon My Screaming
18. Penis Must Suffer
17. Potential Murder Suspect
16. Putting (up with) Men's Shit
15. Prone to Mood Swings
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck

   And the number one thing PMS Stands for...

1. Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this shit anymore!!

If you lick your envelopes... You won't anymore!!!!

A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue,and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN

Andy Hume wrote:

Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the... things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years.

To All:

I used to work for a print shop (32 years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500 envelops that were already printed for a customer who was doing a mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the envelopes. I think print shops have a harder time controlling roaches than a restaurant. I always buy the self sealing type. Or if need be I use a glue stick to seal one that has the type of glue that needs to be wet to stick.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON !!!!

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New Your city restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "what the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "can't you see we are all berry hungry."

The waitress begs the question "so how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, " the menu say FIRST COME FIRST SERVED"!

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe science, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't ring a tear to your eye.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because the answer they gave me was technically correct but completely useless."