17. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!"

There are several, rather quiet business mergers being contemplated by corporate America. The following are just a few:

1. XEROX and WURLITZER (They're going to make reproductive organs)
2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS (The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)
3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS (The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good)
6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi)
7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home)
8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING (Mine All Mine)
9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY (3 Penney Opera)
10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants)
11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN (The new company will be called Knott Now)
12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)
13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n'Yahoo)

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently...

When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard...

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course...

And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims...

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing "Doom". Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."...

I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me...

I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?

There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them...

How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work? I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed, and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need - a memo or something?

I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer...

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."...

I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof, and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit, she weighed another 500 pounds...

Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!

Please understand, I don't hate my computer... I just want to hurt it a little every once in a while!

1. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
2. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
3. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
4. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
5. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
6. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
7. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
8. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
9. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
10. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"