The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which theywere asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

1. Abdicate (v.) -- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
2. Carcinoma (n.) -- a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog
3. Esplanade (v.) -- to attempt an explanation while drunk
4. Willy-nilly (adj.) -- impotent
5. Flabbergasted (adj.) -- appalled over how much weight you have gained
6. Negligent (adj.) -- describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
7. Lymph (v.) -- to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.) -- an olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Bustard (n.) -- a very rude Metrobus driver
10. Coffee (n.) -- a person who is coughed upon
11. Flatulence (n.) -- the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
12. Balderdash (n.) -- a rapidly receding hairline
13. Testicle (n.) -- a humorous question on an exam
14. Semantics (n.) -- pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers
15. Rectitude (n.) -- the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you
16. Marionettes (n.) -- residents of Washington, DC who have been jerked around by the mayor
17. Oyster (n.) -- a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
18. Circumvent (n.) -- the opening in the front of boxer shorts
19. Frisbatarianism (n.) -- The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

THE WASHINGTON POST'S STYLE INVITATIONAL also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some recent winners:

1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
3. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
5. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
6. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease
7. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer
8. Glibido: All talk and no action
9. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
10. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. (people get refunds)?

    And, best of all...

11. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is a boxing ring square?
• Why is it called lipstick if you are still able to move your lips?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
• Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?