Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole. "Wow, that looks deep." "Sure does, toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Man. That is REALLY deep, here, throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait, and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise. The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Balderdash (n.)> a rapidly receding hairline.
• Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes upon the roof and gets stuck there?

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agonistic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

To God from the kids

Dear GOD:
    Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?
-Amy

Dear GOD:
    Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD:
    If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey

Dear GOD:
    I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD:
    In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD:
    Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD:
    Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD:
    Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD:
    Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Jan

Dear GOD:
    I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD:
    Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce