1. When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
2. Labourer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'.
3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Romania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. She was then returned to the coffin and the ceremony continued.
5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The man was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. [Understandably,] he shot her dead.
9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did> not realise that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.
12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health.
13. An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

• Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
• There has been only one Pope.
• They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war.
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
• Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
• Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
• The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
• They have never owned a record player.
• They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
• They may have never heard of an 8 track.
• The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me,I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
• Feeling old Yet? There's more:
• They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
• Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
• They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
• Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
• They have never seen Larry Bird play.
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
• They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
• They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!". They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
• The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
• Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
• McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
• There has always been MTV.
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies. But don't send it back to me, I feel old enough!!!

Three old ladies are going to a Cubs game. They've never been and are very excited because of the way the Cubs are playing. But just to make the game a little more interesting, they bring along a bottle of Jack Daniels. It's a really good game and the crowd's into it and everybody is having a good time.

The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas and are having a wonderful time. So there's still a lot of game left when they notice that they are out of Jack Daniels.

Question: What inning is it?






told ya to pay attention.....






It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm thebreadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny- well, consider her The Working Class.Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think aboutthis and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad hassaid. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now. ""Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are. "The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing theWorking Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."