"Ey, boss, I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed "Hebonics", a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question, plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, "How are you?" may be answered, "How should I be, with my feet?"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:

"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus, the response to a remark such as "He's slow as turtle." could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics".

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

Remark: "Mom, meet my fiancée, Catherine Hollingsworth. Her ancestors came over on the Mayflower."
English remark: "Lovely to meet you, dear."
Hebonic remark: "You should pardon me while I go stick my head in the oven."

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
• The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

  And last but not least:

• I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Monica Lewinsky goes into the dry cleaners to have her blue dress cleaned. It's pretty noisy in there and she doesn't quite speak loud enough when telling the clerk to not use starch. The clerk says "Come again?", to which she replies, "Nah... just mustard this time."

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again... for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

You heard about the two old Irish ladies who used to sit on the landing outside their flats? They kept an especially watchful eye on the brothel just across the street and down the block. They watched the comings and goings and could tell you who each client was.

One day while they were sitting there, the local Rabbi snuck around the corner with his collar hiding part of his face. He looked right and left then ran up the steps and into the brothel.

Mrs. O'Leary turned to Mrs. O'Toole and said: "tsk, tsk, Isn't that just like a damned Jew for ya" Mrs O'Toole agreed.

A few minutes later the local Baptist Minister followed the same trail as the Rabbi and furtively snuck into the brothel.

Mrs. O'Toole turned to Mrs. O'Leary and said: "That's a damned Baptist for you. Hypocrites, all" Mrs. O'Leary agreed.

A few minutes later Father Flanagan rounded the corner in the same manner and snuck into the brothel.

Mrs. O'Leary clucked her tongue and turned to Mrs. O'Toole: "Awww, one of the poor dears must be dyin"