A golfer set up his first ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, He took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead, and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming, and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven. You've already moved most of the Earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "Well, Caddy - how do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir; it's a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Judge in the courtroom: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?"
Boy on the stand: "Oh yes, sir. I'm your Caddy. Remember?"

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, Sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.

Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked, "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted, "I did." Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.

The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before.

St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, "What have I done to deserve this?" The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."