Subject: How To Keep A Healthy Level Of InsanityJokes for the Week Ending August 24, 2001
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Subject: How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
A lady was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to get home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really mad if it's not ready on time." On the way home, she realized she didn't have time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the house was wilted lettuce, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with a lettuce leaf, just as her husband walked in. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.
"Honey, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the lady made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge girlfriends about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later her husband died. The ladies were sitting around the card table playing bridge when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself."
[Alternate punchline: Change to "dog food" and "run over while trying to bite a car tire".]
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.
How It All Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
A cheap shot, but here goes, anyway.
George W. Bush was asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade. He said it was probably the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
In Japan, on their computers they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows has now crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen
dies So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank
A happy little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when he happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pangs, he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. He ate... And ate... and then... he ate some more. Finally, he decided he'd had plenty. He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas... he had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
He looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when he spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. He'd found a solution!! He realized if he could just become airborne he'd be able to fly again. So, he painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!
Dead Fly....
The moral of this sad story?
Ready?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap".
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the Words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners: (Nice to see poetry isn't a lost art)
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky,
'Twas "Hail to the Chief",
On this flute made of beef,
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress,
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better,
Than a bomb in a letter,
Given the choice of how to be blown.
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:" But Dave, you're a vet."
(Source unknown... maybe better off)
WOMEN They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. This has been sent to you from someone who > respects you as a woman Pass it along to your woman friends to remind them how amazing they are...
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH! IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. Taxis stop for us. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
SEND THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!
Subject: At Last The Truth About Nutrition & Fitness
FINALLY, the truth about nutrition and fitness:
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
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