Jokes for the Week Ending September 7, 2001

Holiday Party
Law Questions

top_red.gif (115 bytes)   Subject: Holiday Party

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Christmas Party
December 1



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Christmas Party
December 2



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Christmas Party
December 2



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Holiday Party
December 3



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Holiday Party
December 7



What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Did I miss anything?

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Holiday Party
December 8



So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?

Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

Okay???

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Holiday Party
December 9



People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus!

Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Everyone
Holiday Party
December 10



Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!

We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your damn salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too.

Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

WaboMatic MEMO

FROM:
TO:
RE:
DATE:		 Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
Everyone
Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
December 14



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

top_red.gif (115 bytes)   Subject: Law Questions

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

  1. What is your date of birth?
  2. July fifteenth.
  3. What year?
  4. Every year.
  1. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  2. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  1. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  2. Yes.
  3. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  4. I forget.
  5. You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
  1. How old is your son, the one living with you?
  2. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
  3. How long has he lived with you?
  4. Forty-five years.
  1. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
  2. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
  3. And why did that upset you?
  4. My name is Susan.
  1. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning
  1. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
  1. Were you present at the time your picture was taken?
  1. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
  2. Yes.
  3. And what were you doing at that time?
  1. She had three children, right?
  2. Yes.
  3. How many were boys?
  4. None.
  5. Were there any girls?
  1. How was your first marriage terminated?
  2. By death.
  3. And by whose death was it terminated?
  1. Can you describe the individual?
  2. He was about medium height and had a beard.
  3. Was this a male, or a female?
  1. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  2. No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
  3. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  4. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  1. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  2. Oral.
  1. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  2. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
  3. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
  4. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
  1. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  1. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  2. No.
  3. Did you check for blood pressure?
  4. No.
  5. Did you check for breathing?
  6. No.
  7. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  8. No.
  9. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  10. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  11. But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
  12. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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