Subject: Redneck Joke"R" Rated Jokes for the Week Ending February 2, 2001
Redneck JokeThe Italian says, "Whena I finisha maka da love to my girlfriend I lick her behinda the knees and she a float six inches abova da bed in ecstasy. "The Frenchman says, "When after I make zee love to my girlfriend I kiss her all zee way to her feet and zen I lick zee bottom of zee foot and she float twelve inches above zee bed in ecstasy."
The redneck says, "After I get done doin my old lady, I get out of bed, wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the fuckin' ceiling."Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
The jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom: "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom.
The whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot. "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try & get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run dear, he's gotta take a shit first."
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I work where I do and that I do NOT work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
HOPE THIS THERAPY SESSION HELPED YOU!
Two husbands, Chad and Sherm, were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
A young girl sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father in the shower.Naturally, she's curious, and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
Impressed, the girl then repeats this information to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes, and some lions mate over 50 times a day, so does that mean that if a pig and a lion mated, the offspring would have sex 24 hours a day, every second of its life?
i'm just wondering...
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay,and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
"You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
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