In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...

True story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

• Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
• You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
• The really good advice that your mother gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
• If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
• Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
• Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
• Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
• Work is good, but it's not that important.
• Sex is the best alternative to exercise...
• And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

• Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
• Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
• Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
• Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.
• Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
• Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.