• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
• You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
• You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
• You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them.
• The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
• You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
• You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
• Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $10,000 worth of improvement.
• You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
• You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

Dear Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. As part of the administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.

Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment.

It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.

Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal" problem with your promised counseling and home schooling. He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party.

He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your maid's daily routine.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage, "Does not play well with others". Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.

Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted. You take good care of our detainee now.

     George W. Bush

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her theword "comfortable" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, " comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow."

("com-for-da-bul").

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.