THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

• Engagement Ring
• Wedding Ring
• Suffering.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "Wow, I wish I had your willpower."

Son: "Is it true, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Many of the aging Rock Artists have decided to re-release their hits to reflect the changing lifestyles of their fans. Here are a few of the titles:

• Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
• Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
• Carly Simon -- "You're So Varicose Vein"
• The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
• Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
• Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
• The Temptations -- "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
• Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
• ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
• Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
• Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
• Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
• The Beatles -- "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
• Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune a-Rising"
• Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
• The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

When the clothing store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever seen! But tell me, what happened to your hand?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

The city boy replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." The city boy said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?". The city boy said, "Just wait, you'll see".

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" He replied, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" The city boy replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two bucks back."