Golf vs. other 'Professional Sports'

• Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
• Golfers don't mindlessly scratch their privates on TV.
• Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at other people.
• Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
• Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
• Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
• When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
• The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
• You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the "nosebleed section" at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
• In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season.
• Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
• Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
• Golf doesn't have free agency. In his prime Greg Norman would shake your hand and say he was happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T- shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
• You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. You will hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling in sports stadiums and arenas while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
• And what I like most about golf is that you can spend 4-5 hours competing with your friends and having fun even in your 70's.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said, I want to open a damn checking account... now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says.

"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

WARNING: IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU PUT DOWN THE BEER CAN AND THE SHOTGUN BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER

Y'all might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if...

• Yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
• Y'all think 'www' in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
• Someone tells y'all they're "locked up" and y'all ask if they need bail money.
• Y'all have ever been too drunk to chat.
• Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
• Y'all think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
• Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
• Y'all think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
• Y'all keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
• Y'all think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
• Y'all have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
• Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
• Y'all try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
• Y'all try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
• Y'all try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
• Y'all play frisbee with yer CD Rom's
• Y'all find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
• When birds fly across yer screen an y'all reach for yer shotgun.
• Y'all put a mousetrap on yer desk
• Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
• Y'all use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
• Y'all call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
• When y'all tern yer computer on, y'all say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy".
• Y'all think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
• Y'all think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
• Y'all think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
• Someone tellz y'all yer computer has a bug an 'all reach for the can of Raid.
• Y'all think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
• Y'all go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
• Y'all think yer homepage is where 'all really live.
• Y'all give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
• Y'all Think MB stands for "More Beer".
• Y'all wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'puter.
• Y'all see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
• Y'all think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
• Y'all think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
• Y'all think CD stands for Cow Dung.
• Y'all think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous"
• Y'all think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free"
• Y'all Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
• Y'all see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
• Y'all put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
• Y'all wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
• Y'all think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
• Y'all think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
• Y'all catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
• Y'all think the "A drive" is where y'all park yer pickup.
• Y'all see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
• Yer 'puter has a bumper sticker on it.
• Part of yer 'puter is held together with duct tape.
• Y'all sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
• You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "My momma"
• You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
• The mouse is referred to as a, “critter.”
• The keyboard is camouflaged.
• There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
• The password is, “bubba.”
• The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• “Winders 95” has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
• Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
• The printer goes really slow since Bubba don’t read too fast.
• The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
• The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
• The monitor is up on blocks.
• Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
• Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
• The screen saver consist of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
• The six front keys have rotted out.
• John Deere Pocket Protectors

1. What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs?
   ...Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
   ...A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
   ...Grease her hips and push.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
   ...Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs?
   ...To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Baylor football team like an opossum?
   ...Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
   ...His freshman year.
8. How many Oklahoma freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
   ...None. That's a sophomore course.
9. Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
   ...Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

   AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

10. Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
    ...You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.