Subject: Bucket o' NutsJokes for the Week Ending September 6, 2002
Bucket o' NutsOn the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from the inside of the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's God and the devil dividing up the souls in the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quickly." said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That's all of them, now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike
This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:
"SBF(single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."
Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place never to return. A couple of girlfriends, go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and say, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Goodbye."
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could! actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway-hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while - hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of "holding a wake."
England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night the ("graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... and whoever said that History was boring?
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays together. During the celebration a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years she would give them each one wish. Being the faithful, loving wife for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waived her wand and poof... she had two tickets in her hand.
Next it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he would have any wish he wanted. All he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I would love to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother picked up her wand, and boom! He was 90.
Don't you just love fairy godmothers?
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him. He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker???" she replies.
Subject: Taliban Kentucky Style
Get rid of the Taliban Kentucky style
The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the KSF (Kentucky Special Forces.) Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:
And most importantly...
We estimate it should be over in just about two days.
Subject: Letter from the desert
Just moved to Scottsdale, Arizona...
May 30th
Just moved to Scottsdale, Arizona...Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. Welcome to our town:
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits!! No more pets in this heat!!
July 25th:
This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
Aug 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!
Aug 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and fried cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing will be next so $1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14:
Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had wanted to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
It's time once again to check in on the annual "Stella Awards" to see how they are coming along.
For those who don't know, the Stella Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81 year old Stella Liebeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This is the case that inspired the annual "Stella Award" for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The cases listed below are clear candidates for the award and prove that, with the right attorney, you can win anything!
1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998:
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced in yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Williams -- who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the front-runner is:
7. November 2000:
Mr. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
Winnibago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.
A few years ago Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service (USFS) were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again... and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by Sierra Club and USFS. Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't "Fu*kin" our sheep, they're Eatin' em".
Subject: Brain Cell Survival and Beer
This is the beauty of science; the ability to explain natural phenomenon...
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine." "That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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