We estimate it should be over in just about two days.

Just moved to Scottsdale, Arizona...

May 30th
Just moved to Scottsdale, Arizona...Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. Welcome to our town:

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits!! No more pets in this heat!!

July 25th:
This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!

Aug 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and fried cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing will be next so $1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14:
Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had wanted to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

She was so blonde that:

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She tripped over the cordless phone.
• She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
• She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
• Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
• What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
• Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
• What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
• Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
• What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
• What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
• What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
• What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
• Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front."
• What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh, look!! Donut seeds!"

An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

It's time once again to check in on the annual "Stella Awards" to see how they are coming along.

For those who don't know, the Stella Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81 year old Stella Liebeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This is the case that inspired the annual "Stella Award" for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The cases listed below are clear candidates for the award and prove that, with the right attorney, you can win anything!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation.

Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced in yard.

The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Williams -- who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the front-runner is:

7. November 2000:
Mr. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.

Winnibago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.

A few years ago Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service (USFS) were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again... and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by Sierra Club and USFS. Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't "Fu*kin" our sheep, they're Eatin' em".

This is the beauty of science; the ability to explain natural phenomenon...

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine." "That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Taslich.

Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown.

Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.

For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Taslich Mix available in three grades (Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... YOU BECOME 21... YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun no, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

• Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
• Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
• Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
• Enjoy the simple things.
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
• The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
• Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
• Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county,to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
• Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

  and always remember...

• Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore," said one in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.

"I cannot even remember what I am doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed yet another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old, winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick"

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday

Why is being in the Military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her Navel

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.25, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed. class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say F**k?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
1 US leader

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.