A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do? "

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. "Okay, now what?"

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. He finds a house and breaks into it. There he finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous; if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom."

"Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If:

is represented as:

Then,

But,

And,

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far:
     A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
will get you.

Pass this message on to everyone who needs to get a little more out of life.