Quotations from "I Purr...Therefore I Am" By Merritt Malloy

"It is comforting to have a glass of wine, a good book to read, and a cat by your side... who can turn pages."
        Julie Sommars

"I gave my cat a bath the other day... he loves it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."
        Steve Martin

"A cat gets into everything... including your conscience."
        Laura Ingineri

"You can't own a cat. The best you can do is be partners."
        Sir Harry Swanson

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
        Will Cuppy

"The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world."
        Lynn M. Osband

"Everything comes to those who wait... except a cat."
        Marilyn Peterson

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer."
        Paula Poundstone

"A walking, prancing, pouncing, sun-soaking, sleeping machine."
        Thomas Gato

"Dogs teach you how to love. Cats teach you how to live."
        M. Malloy

"You can talk a cat into anything he or she already wants to do."
        George Otto

"Dogs come when you call them. Cats screen their calls."
        Melissa Zimbalist

"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."
        Bill Dana

"If a cat spoke, it would say things like, 'Hey, I don't see the problem here.'"
        Roy Blount, Jr.

"If cats won't talk to you, don't blame them. Find something interesting to say."
        Tiffany Alethea Young

"You want steady work? Try getting a cat to roll over."
        Max Adams

"Don't worry that your cat doesn't understand what you say; he doesn't care what you're thinking anyway."
        Dr. Jeri Schwalb

"Cats think we're just big dogs with can openers."
        Morton Hay

"If you want to know which room in the house is getting sunlight, follow your cat."
        Fred Jamner

"Cats are like the phone company. They'll cut you off if you won't play by their rules."
        Garrison Reed

Even God enjoys a good laugh.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He always loved telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do!

AMEN!

From "Inside the Beltway" by John McCaslin, The Washington Times, Friday, November 22, 2002:

Hu's on First?

Celebrated playwright James Sherman is author of a hilarious "Hu's on First?" sketch that he penned - dripping wet - this week after the Communist Party chose Chinese Vice President Hu Jintao as its new general secretary.

A member of the Victory Gardens' Theater Playwrights Ensemble in Chicago, Mr. Sherman, with due credit to Abbott & Costello, tells Inside the Beltway the idea splashed into his head while showering Monday. "I raced to the computer and knocked it out," reveals Mr. Sherman, who actually arrives in Washington today to discuss his long-running theater production, "The God of Isaac." Without further ado, "Hu's on First?"

(We take you now to the Oval Office)