Several women I know have asked me for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
• Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
• You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.

Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Amtrak schedule
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Compassionate conservative
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance

And the number 1 oxymoron

1. Microsoft Works

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!"

Andy Rooney on...

Vegetarians

That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

Prisoners

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Morning Differences

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Answering Machines

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love.'" Beep. "Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Research

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections... who can't remember what to do with them.

With clients in professional sports and the executive suite, Frank Lingua, President and CEO of Dissembling Associates, is the nation's leading purveyor of buzzwords, catchphrases and clichés for clients too busy to speak in plain English. We interviewed him in his New York City office.

17. Is it a full-time job being a cliché expert?
1. Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.
17. Do you work by yourself?
1. There's no "i" in "team."
17. How do you know if you're successful in your work?
1. At the end of the day, it's all about robust, world-class solutions.
17. Where do most clichés come from?
1. Stakeholders push the envelope until it's outside the box.
17. Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of clichés that spew from business?
1. Some days, I don't have the bandwidth. It's like drinking from a fire hose.
17. Do people notice that you're a cliché expert?
1. No, they can't get their arms around that. But they aren't incented to, and benchmarking the metrics is a challenge.
17. Is it hard to keep up on all the new clichés?
1. Harder than nailing Jello to the wall.
17. How do you keep track of all the clichés?
1. It's like herding cats. I walk the walk and talk the talk.
17. Can you anticipate if a phrase is going to become a cliché?
1. Yes. I skate to where the puck's going to be. Because if you aren't the lead dog, you're not providing a customer-centric pro-active solution.
17. Give us a new cliché that we'll be hearing ad nauseum.
1. Enronitis could be a next-generation player.
17. Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?
1. I wasn't wired that way, but it became mission-critical as I strategically focused on my go-forward plan.
17. Is your work difficult?
1. It isn't rocket science. It isn't brain surgery. When you drill down to the granular level, it's basic blocking and tackling.
17. How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?
1. Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing synergies and being first to market with a leveraged, value-added deliverable. That's the opportunity space on a level playing field.
17. Does everyone in business eventually devolve into mouthing the sort of mindless drivel you spout?
1. If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you're a duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.
17. Do you read "Dilbert" in the newspaper?
1. My knowledge base is deselective of fiber media.
17. Does that mean "no"?
1. Negative.
17. DOES THAT MEAN "NO"?
1. Let's take your issues offline.