The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14. Grooming the Wookie
13. Making the Kessel Run
12. Polishing Vader's Helmet
11. Evacuating Tatooine
10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9. Releasing the Special Edition
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
7. Communicating with Red Leader One
6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
1. Test Firing the Death Star

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

   Subject: Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred.

... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancé' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

   Subject: A Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new policy was that, in order to get into Heaven you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 PM, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem", said the man.

"For some time now I've thought my wife was having an affair. Each day on her lunch hour I knew she was bringing her lover home to our 25th floor apartment to have sex with him. So today I came home to catch them. I bust in, my wife is half naked and yelling at me and I immediately began searching the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find this guy! I was about to give up when I happened to glance out the balcony and noticed there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! This clown thought he could hide from me! I ran out and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die right away. In a rage, I went back inside and grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on. Oddly enough, he first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement had been so great that I had a heart attack right there and died."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "Okay, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven".

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Okay, here's the rule. Before I can let you in I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing", the man replied.

"But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. Luckily I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the idiot push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel quietly laughs as he thinks to himself, "I could get used to this new policy", "Very well", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

   Subject: The Funeral

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral

-- I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

   Subject: Favorite Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
     "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
     "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
     "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
     "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
     "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
     "7 days without pizza makes one week."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
     "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
     "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
     "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
     "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
     "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
     "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
     "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
     "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
     "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
     "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
     "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
     "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
     "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
     "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
     "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
     "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
     "Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
     "Best place in town to take a leak."

   Subject: Age Difference

A woman is like the various continents and countries...

The Age of Man...

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What!" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"

"I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address."

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about, somewhat warily.

As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"

"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."

"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife replied. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."