Jokes for the Week Ending
February 28, 2003
Golf Speak
The Bush/Hussein Debate
Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year
Math
More France Bashing
I barbecued my tee ball then United a 3-wood but made a bald eagle. My ABSU started with a zeppelin, which one of my playing partners mistook for an angel gooser until it ended up in the hazard. Then for some reason, I became the aerosol man, seemingly unable to pick the right wrench. I even blow-dried one. I played the hole like Captain Kirk and ended up BIPSIC. Thank goodness the quench wench was coming up the cart path.
Need some new jargon to enliven your banter on the course? You should be able to pick up a few new terms here. Our list is a combination of terms from a new book called "Let the Big Dog Eat: A Dictionary of the Secret Language of Golf" (Hubert Pedroli and Mary Tiegreen, $18, Harper Collins Publishers) and contributing writer Tripp Sheppard.
- A-game
- What a player hopes to bring to the course every time he steps out of his car. Synonym: pipe dream.
- ABSU
- Acronym for After Birdie Screw Up. A debilitating psycho-physiological ailment afflicting just about everyone with a handicap of 5 or more. A common ABSU is a horrendous drive that leads to triple bogey after making a 25-footer for birdie.
- Aerosol man
- A golfer who sprays a lot.
- Aiming fluid
- Alcoholic beverage such as beer or whiskey consumed while playing.
- Angel gooser
- A very high drive.
- Bald eagle
- A hair shy of an eagle.
- Barbecuing it
- To hit a big drive. Same as smoking it.
- BIPSIC
- Acronym for Ball In Pocket/Sulking In Cart.
- BIP mobile
- Personal transportation for BIPSIC players.
- Blow dry
- An air shot. Blow dries are often mislabeled as practice swings.
- Bowling
- To mark an X on the scorecard. As you might imagine, bowling during a round of golf is not good.
- Blue Bayou (a.k.a. "Getting Linda Ronstandted")
- When a fellow playing companion unleashes a drive that sails by yours.
- Cabbage
- Rough – the really thick stuff, or what you generally win if you keep it out of the cabbage for the majority of a round. (a.k.a. "rhubarb").
- Cabbage pounder
- A player who spends a lot of time trampling in the rough.
- Captain Kirk
- A shot that goes where no man has gone before.
- Cheerleader
- An overdressed, label-conscious golfer.
- Chili Dip
- More fun with Doritos watching pro football than on a golf course. Done by a "real estate developer" who hits it "fat."
- Chops
- Players who appear better suited for a spot on some outdoor programming show that features lumberjacks and power saws. Also "hacks" or "hackers."
- Chunky tuna
- A chunked shot that ends up in a water hazard.
- Culligan
- A mulligan that ends up in the water.
- Darth Vader
- A fearsome slicer.
- David Copperfield(ed)
- To make the ball disappear into the hole, as if by a stroke of magic. Looks like Claudia got "Copperfielded" and disappeared much to the dismay of magic fans around the world.
- Direct deposit
- A shot that goes in the hole from off the green.
- Easter egg
- A new ball found in the cabbage.
- Elephant’s ass
- A high, stinky shot.
- Fat
- Most often used in reference to an iron that comes up short because of less than perfect contact at impact. Not to be confused with popular rap adjective PHAT — Pretty Hot And Tasty. Fatness comes in varying degrees, to wit: 1) The Liz Taylor: a little fat but still beautiful, 2) the stub, a short but greasy stroke, 3) the familiar chunk, 4) the distasteful chili dip, 5) the Frito Lay, a fat chip, 6) the Roseanne, an unapologetically chubby shot, and 7) the insufferable porker.
- FM dial
- A high score that could be the numbers for a local radio station.
- Foozle
- An old-fashioned term for a poorly struck shot in which the ball trickles only a few miserable yards.
- Furniture
- The woods in your bag.
- Future furniture
- The woods on the course.
- Golf mechanic
- A player who has to "test drive" every new piece of golf equipment that comes into the pro shop. A golf mechanic generally thinks that purchasing new equipment is the best way to improve, rather than establishing a solid practice routine.
- Gust of gravity
- The sudden, and seemingly unexplainable, effect of a shot coming up short.
- Heliputter
- A low-flying type of aircraft seen hovering above the green after a short-tempered player misses a shorter putt.
- Hollywood handicap
- An artificially low handicap.
- Hozzle rocket
- The word "shank" is never uttered on a golf course because the condition is recognized by golfers at all levels as extremely contagious. Hozzle rocket is synonymous with this dreaded malady.
- Irish birdie
- A birdie after hitting a mulligan.
- Johnny Cochran
- To face a shot with such a terrible lie that only Johnny Cochran can save you.
- Juice
- Nickname for a famous hacker saved by Johnny Cochran.
- Kevorkian
- A killer swing or a suicidal shot, or the man you consider seeing after your 17th consecutive hozzle rocket.
- Law dog
- A course ranger.
- Lawn sausages
- Goose droppings.
- Liprosey
- Pseudomedical condition in which a player rims out a putt.
- Lobster
- The lob wedge.
- Mario Andretti
- A drive that hits the cart path and keeps rolling.
- Marquis de Sod
- The greenskeeper responsible for painful pin placements.
- Marv Albert
- An approach shot with a lot of bite.
- Mast
- The flagstick.
- Mick Jagger(ed) it
- When a putt lips out or in some groups when a putt is left hanging on the lip.
- Moonwalking
- A ball with backspin that walks backward on the green.
- North Carolina
- N.C., or no card turned in because of an embarrassingly high score.
- Obeewonkenobeed
- Hitting a ball out of bounds (Obeewon for short).
- Oprah golf
- One thin shot, one fat shot, thin, fat, thin, fat and so on and so forth.
- Pat Summerall
- A member of the foursome who insists on giving a description of every shot.
- Pick the right wrench
- The ability of a player to pull the correct stick when between clubs.
- Queen of denial (a.k.a. "Getting Cleopatraed")
- Generally used to describe a putt that lips out or stops on the edge. Country music singer Pam Tillis recorded a song called "Queen of Denial," which is thought to be the genesis of this one. Rolling Stones fans get Mick Jaggered instead.
- Quench wench
- The woman driving the refreshment cart.
- Real estate developer
- A player who takes big divots reminiscent of a earth mover.
- Recovery room
- The 19th hole.
- Rescue operation
- An entire foursome looking for a lost ball.
- Rock Hudson
- A putt that looks straight but is not.
- Rommel
- Taking several strokes to get out of the sand.
- Scud
- A shot with questionable accuracy.
- Serving cake
- Continually slicing.
- Sesame Street
- Heard on rare occasions when a player pulls off the "big bird" – an eagle. Or "Where are Bert and Ernie, because I just found the Big Bird."
- Toilet flusher
- A putt that swirls around the hole before draining.
- Trench wrench
- The sand wedge.
- United
- A long flight that arrives early (OK, so this is a little outdated), as in hitting a 3-wood to a par-5 green in two.
- U.S.A.
- While this may have been the chant going up from the crowd when Justin Leonard drilled his dramatic putt at the Ryder Cup, "U.S.A." means U Still Away.
- Van de Velde
- Committing a terrible blunder when the match is almost won.
- Volkswagen
- A shot that makes up in efficiency what it lacks in style.
- X-Files
- When a player fails to hole out, thus taking a "x" on the scorecard for a particular hole. Or I "Muldered" that one. As in the television series, a Mulder is often preceded by a Skully.
- Yank
- This has nothing to do with the Civil War but rather a shot going dead left off the club of a right-handed player. (Supposedly, a "dead yank" has been referred to as a "Munson" but never by the author, as it is a tasteless description even for a Red Sox fan. Would the Fenway faithful ever call a slow roller in baseball a "Buckner?")
- Zeppelin
- A high, floating shot that is soon to crash and burn.
Subject: The Bush/Hussein Debate
The Guardian is a British Newspaper. This is a column from 02/25/03.
| Tim Dowling Tuesday February 25, 2003 The Guardian | |
| Tony Blair (moderator): | Welcome to the first televised debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you. |
| Bush: | First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world. |
| Saddam: | Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East. |
| Bush: | Do I answer that? |
| Blair: | No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida? |
| Bush: | I do not. |
| Blair: | The question is for President Saddam. |
| Saddam: | As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links. |
| Bush: | Neither do I. |
| Blair: | The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win? |
| Bush: | That's easy. America, right? |
| Saddam: | Even I knew that one. |
| Bush: | That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three? |
| Blair: | I think you're allowed as many as you like. |
| Bush: | OK, Iraq, North Korea and France. |
| Saddam: | I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil. |
| Bush: | Who am I thinking of then? Irania? |
| Blair: | Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders? |
| Saddam: | I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, weare happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any. |
| Blair: | The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution? |
| Bush: | Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough. |
| Blair: | The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend. |
| Bush: | Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature. |
| Saddam: | OK. |
| Blair: | Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe. |
| Stilgoe: | Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED. |
| Bush: | Exactly. He must cut his own arms off. |
| Saddam: | If it means peace, I will do it. |
| Bush: | Too late. |
| Stilgoe: | Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'? |
| Saddam: | Yes, I've heard them all. |
| Bush: | I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option? |
| Blair: | I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky -Tonya Harding fight follows after the break. |
Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003 | |
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