A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy"

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

• NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no club house.
• I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
• NO Singing. Period.
• Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only... "Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, this time we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde? Why kill a blonde?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking, "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it." And the Englishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again."

• "Runaway" by Del Shannon,
• "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
• "Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis,
• "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
• "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
• "Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
• "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
• "Live and Let Die" by Wings,
• "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
• "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
• "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
• "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

Quotes regarding the French

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
      -- Mark Twain

Do you have the skills/knowledge that can save your life/soul?

One day, a professor was conducting a study at sea. He went out to sea in a 'sampan' with an oarsman. The oarsman job is to row the 'sampan'. The oarsman was an old and quiet man. This was fine with the professor as he did not want any disturbance while he did his work.

For many hours, the professor examined water specimens from the sea and wrote down notes in his book. The oarsman looked up to the sky and thought to himself, "Hmm?? it looks like it's going to rain".

Finally, when the professor had completed his work, he said, "Okay, let's get back to the shore". Only during the journey back did the professor speak to the oarsman.

"How long have you been rowing boats?" asked the professor.

"Almost all my life", replied the oarsman.

"Your whole life? So you don't know anything else besides rowing boats?" asked the professor. The oarsman just shook his head from side to side.

"Do you know geography?" asked the professor. The oarsman shook his head quietly.

"In that case, you have lost 25 percent of your life", said the professor.

"Do you know biology?" The oarsman shook his head.

"You poor soul. You have lost 50 percent of your life. Do you know physics?" Again, the oarsman simply shook his head.

"How pitiful, you have lost 75 percent of your life then, you are so unfortunate, you don't know anything.

You have wasted your whole life just rowing boats," said the professor arrogantly. The oarsman just kept quiet.

A few minutes later, it started to rain. Suddenly a huge wave swept the 'sampan' and overturned it.

The professor and the oarsman were thrown into the sea.

Now, the oarsman asked the professor, "By the way, do you know how to swim?". The professor shook his head.

"In that case, you have lost 100 percent of your life!", cried the oarsman as he swam to the shore!

The End

The moral of this story is:
      It is no use having a high I.Q. or intelligence, if you do not know the more important things in life. Someone may seem stupid in something that has nothing to do with his career or life. But he is a master in his line of work. So, do not look down on others just because they seem ignorant or stupid, because they may in fact be more successful than us.

Don't look - You might see.

Don't listen - You might hear.

Don't think - You might learn.

Don't make a decision - You might be wrong.

Don't walk - You might stumble.

Don't run - You might fall.

Don't live - You might die.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there: MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day!...

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

AIRSPEED

Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a retired military pilot

BANK

The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' Corvettes.

CARBURETOR ICING

A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.

CONE OF CONFUSION

An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

CRAB

A VFR Instructor's attitude on an IFR day.

DEAD RECKONING

You reckon correctly, or you are.

DESTINATION

Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder saturation point.

ENGINE FAILURE

A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.

FIREWALL

Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.

FLIGHT FOLLOWING

Formation flying

GLIDE DISTANCE

Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

HYDROPLANE

An airplane designed to land long on a short & wet runway

IFR

A method of flying by needle and horoscope.

LEAN MIXTURE

Nonalcoholic beer.

MINI MAG LITE

Device designed to support the AA battery industry.

NANOSECOND

Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and fuel not reaching the carburetor.

PARACHUTE

The two 'chutes in a Stearman.

PARASITIC DRAG

A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

RANGE

Usually about 3 miles short of the destination.

RICH MIXTURE

What you order at another pilot's promotion party.

ROGER

Used when you're not sure what else to say.

SECTIONAL CHART

Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.

SERVICE CEILING

Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.

SPOILERS

FAA Inspectors.

STALL

Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.

STEEP BANK

Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

TURN & BANK INDICATOR

An instrument largely ignored by pilots.

USEFUL LOAD

Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.

VOR

Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect on pilots trying to home in on it.

WAC CHART

Directions to the Army female barracks.

YANKEE

Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again".

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! They can't find the dirty clothes hamper. They can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? They probably couldn't find them if they were lying in the middle of a dusty street with a picture of Saddam aiming a rifle in the air taped on the side.

I keep wondering why groups of women weren't sent in -- preferably mothers. After all, mothers know that their boys can't find their socks or underwear when they're neatly folded in their dresser drawers, so how could they be expected to find hidden biological weapons? On the other hand, mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.

What we need over there are women like my mother.

My mother could find the old olive bottles filled with dimes that dad stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. She could sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. She always knew when the lid of the cookie jar had been disturbed, and I swear she must have dusted for prints on the roll of salami that was always in the refrigerator. She knew if a slice had been removed and by whom.

I developed her ability to stalk out criminal activity when my kids were at home. They couldn't get away with much that I didn't know about. They still think they got away with a lot, but actually I always knew what they were doing, and if I decided that what they were doing was not too important or dangerous, I allowed them to think they were getting away with it. It was important for them to think they have an uncanny ability to pull the wool over mom's eyes occasionally.

But male inspectors? Going after Saddam?

Now I know that our country has gone mad. Those inspectors will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats. They will try to use science to find chemicals. These men, dressed in their pretentious jumpsuits, carrying their bulging briefcases, will barge into palaces and hovels, look around and then officiously announce, "all clear."

But if mothers were sent in they wouldn't need body suits, briefcases or science. Mothers would go in, charge up to Saddam and, with their hands on their hips, demand, "do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And they could tell in an instant whether he was lying or telling the truth. And mothers would be quite capable of finding his cache no matter how cleverly he thought it was hidden.

God help him once it was found; he would be chastised until he begged for mercy. He wouldn't be given a "time-out"; he would get an old fashioned butt-kicking by women who are adept at butt-kicking. And by the time these women finished with Saddam, he would be sitting in the middle of a dusty road with a broken rifle and a stunned look on his evil face.