Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. You gotta pass this one on.

I want to be a female bear in my next

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
    ...I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
    ...I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
    ...I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
    ...I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
    ...Yup ...I wanna be a bear.

The American Kennel Club is now considering applications to recognize new classes of dogs created with the following results:

• Dear God, why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
• Dear God, when we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
• Dear God, why are cars named for the eagle, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, the rabbit, etc., but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
• Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• Dear God, if we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
• Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
• Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
• Dear God, are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
• Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
• Dear God, we dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• Dear God, may I have my testicles back?
• Dear God, these are just some of the things I must remember to keep my present living arrangements.

So, please help me remember:

• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead birds, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
• I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
• I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell so I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
• I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.
• The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and registration.
• I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.
• Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello."
• I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
• The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer." I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of the reins is wrapped around your horses' testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck.. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

You know the 20th Century is truly over when:

• the best rapper is a white guy
• the best golfer is a black guy
• and Germany doesn't want to go to war

Every 14th of February you guys get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentine's day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret: guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret: Guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their in life. Men as a whole are either to proud or to embarrassed to admit, which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and a Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town, the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a blowjob. That's it! Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day, Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. It's like a perpetual love machine! The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And of course, steak and BJs.