And now for something completely different...

A Plethora of Axes
    by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best."Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three counties", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussien. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Counties Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to astop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an mile zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks![The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Here is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, 'F--k the rabbi.'"

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies... "I work for the Internal Revenue Service"

by John Robbins

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We'll call it treason
Let's make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq.

• Behind every successful woman is herself.
• Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry.
• Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
• A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
• So many men, so few that can afford me.
• Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
• Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
• I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
• WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
• Don't start with me. You will not win.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• I can be one of those "bad things" that happen to "bad people."
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

And last but not least:

• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
    -Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
    -Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
    -Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
    -Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
    -Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
    -Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
    -Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
    -Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
    -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
    -Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
    -Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
    -Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
    -Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
    -Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
    -Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
    -Kathy Buckley

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde.
    -Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
    -Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on.
    -Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
    -Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
    -Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman.
    -Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
    -Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
    -Eleanor Roosevelt

By Juan O. Tamayo

KNIGHT RIDDER NEWS SERVICE

April 4, 2003

MARINE COMBAT HEADQUARTERS, Iraq - The Iraqi man who tipped Marines to the location of prisoner of war Army Pfc. Jessica Lynch said yesterday he did so after he saw an Iraqi captor slap her twice as she lay wounded in a hospital.

"A person, no matter his nationality, is a human being," the tipster, a 32-year-old lawyer whose wife was a nurse at the hospital, said in an interview at the Marines' headquarters, where he, his wife and daughter are being treated as heroes and guests of honor.

"He is an extremely courageous man who should serve as an inspiration to all of us to do the right thing," said Lt. Col. Rick Long, spokesman for the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force.

After he saw Lynch slapped, the lawyer slipped into her room at the Saddam Hospital in Nasiriyah and told her, "Don't worry." Then he walked six miles to the nearest Marines and told them where she was.

He later returned to the hospital, at the request of U.S. commanders, to map the facility and count how many Saddam Hussein loyalists were there.

A U.S. commando force whose name remains secret rescued Lynch early Wednesday, Iraq time. She has been taken to Germany for treatment of injuries she suffered when she was captured.

The lawyer, whose first name is Mohammed and who asked his last name not be published, smiled between every sentence as he recounted in broken but expressive English how he helped the Americans. He learned English at Basra University.

Wearing Marine hand-me-downs after fleeing with only the clothes on their backs, Mohammed, his wife, Iman, 32, a nurse at Saddam Hospital, and 6-year-old daughter Abir, seemed surprisingly cheerful for a family on the run.

Grateful Marines showered them with unit patches, a commemorative coin and a U.S. flag on their way to a refugee center near the port of Umm Qsar, where they hope to ride out the war.

"I love America. I like America. Why? I don't know," Mohammed said as he recounted the critical role he played in Lynch's rescue.

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has long repressed Iraq's people with such a brutal grip that, even with U.S. troops at the gates to Baghdad, many refuse to rise up against him out of fear that he'll outlast the Americans.

But Mohammed's tale is one of a man who didn't like what he saw when he walked into the Saddam Hospital last Friday to visit his wife and was told by a doctor friend that a U.S. woman POW was in the emergency ward.

The friend walked him to the ground-floor ward, taken over by the feared Saddam Fedayeen at the start of the war, and past a window where he saw Lynch, captured after her convoy became lost near Nasiriyah in the opening days of the war.

Her head was bandaged, her right arm was in a sling over a white blanket, and she had what Mohammed thought was a gunshot wound to a leg. But her real problem then was the black-uniformed fedayeen commander whom everyone addressed as "Colonel."

The man slapped her, Mohammed said. "One, two," Mohammed added, making single slapping and back slap motions with his right hand. She was very brave, he recalled.

"My heart cut", Mohammed added, meaning stopped, putting his hand over his chest and grimacing. "There, I have decided to go to Americans to give them important information about the woman prisoner."

He walked into her room with his doctor friend. "I said, 'Good morning.' She thought I was a doctor. I say, 'Don't worry.' She smiled," he recalled.

Doctors treating Lynch wanted to amputate her leg, Mohammed said, but his doctor friend persuaded them not to. His friend, he said, "hates Saddam Hussein and hates security of Saddam Hussein."

Mohammed said he told his wife to take their daughter to his father's house for safety, and then set off on foot to find the U.S. troops he had heard were occupying the edges of Nasiriyah.

"This was very dangerous for me because American soldiers shoot," he said, throwing up his hands in the air to show how he carefully approached what turned out to be the Marines.

He told them about the woman prisoner, and about a U.S. military uniform he had also seen, presumably of a U.S. soldier killed in the fighting in and around Nasiriyah, some of the heaviest of the war.

They asked him to return to the six-story, 234-bed hospital to gather information on its layout, its hallways, stairways and doors, its basement and whether a helicopter could land on its roof.

He walked back, with no taxis in sight, even as U.S. jets bombed parts of the city of more than 500,000 people. "Boom, boom. I walked under bombs. Fire, fire," Mohammed recalled.

He did the same thing the next day to report back to the Marines.

There were 41 fedayeen based at the hospital, with four guarding Lynch's room in civilian clothes, but armed with AK-47 assault rifles and carrying radios.

"I drew them a map. I drew them five maps," he said, plainly relishing his cloak-and-dagger missions into the heart of Saddam's terror network.

Fedayeen raided his house the next day, he said, taking away all his possessions and even his car, a Russian-made Muscovitch Brazilia 680. He said a neighbor was shot and her body dragged through the streets just for waving at a U.S. helicopter.

"Very bad people," he said. "There is no kindness in my heart for them."

He got his family out of Nasiriyah on Tuesday night, hours before a task force of U.S. commandos rescued Lynch in a raid so noteworthy that the U.S. Central Command in Qatar called a 4:30 a.m. news conference to announce it.

Four U.S. journalists who have had regular access to the Marines' combat operations center in southern Iraq were asked to stay away from the COC as the rescue operation was getting under way.

Mohammed and his family are now officially "temporary refugees."

After showers, Mohammed put on an oversized green Marine pullover, his wife put on one of the gray T-shirts that MTV donated to the Marines, and his daughter was covered to her knees in a green T-shirt from a Marine chemical warfare unit.

But Mohammed didn't appear despondent as his wife smiled and stayed shyly in the background and Abir played with a neon-green illumination stick given to her by a Marine.

"I am very happy," he said, adding that his wife wants to work in a hospital helping Americans and that he is eager to help the Marines any way he can until he can return home to Nasiriyah and resume his life.

"I will go back to Nasiriyah because my house and office are there," he said. As for the fedayeen, he said, they will go away after Hussein is out of power.

"Believe me, not only I, all the people of Iraq, not the people in the government, like Americans," Mohammed said. "They want to help the Americans, but they are all afraid."

Copyright 2003 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.

If I could, I'd Re-enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 70 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 am. Old guys get up early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side , nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

-Author Unknown