Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (YOU MUST read them out loud)

Sum Ting Wong

That's not right

Hu Yu Hai Ding

Are you harboring a fugitive?

Kum Hia Nao

See me ASAP

Dum Fuk

Stupid Man

Tai Ni Po Ni

Small Horse

Wai Yu So Tan

Did you go to the beach?

Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I bumped into a coffee table

Chin Tu Fat

I think you need a face lift

Wao So Dim

It's very! dark in here

Wai Yu Mun Ching

I thought you were on a diet

No Pah King

This is a tow away zone

Wai Yu Kum Nao

Our meeting is scheduled for next week

Lei Ying Lo

Staying out of sight

Wa Shing Ka

He's cleaning his automobile

Yu Stin Ki Pu

Your body odor is offensive

Fa Kin Su Pah

Great

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Canadian government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued,"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Instructions for Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties... Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

But at least you know the job was done right!

Dennis Miller 'isms'

• Iraq - we need to kick ass and take hyphenated names.
• Hillary Clinton rides Bill's coat tails because there is no room on the front end.
• "You might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because you are dead to me"
• Re Pope's disapproval: "I went to confession the other day; I said, 'You first'"
• 72 Virgins - sure it would be great at first, but at about number 10, I think I would want a pro.
• They say we should live our lives like we did before 9/11, well guess what, I hated foreigners who wanted to kill me on September 10.
• On Alaskan oil - Are we going to leave it there forever? - Why do caribou get there own state?
• On Dick Cheney's money - What's wrong with someone successful being a leader? Are we only supposed to let the f**k ups who fail at life lead us?
• Al Gore - even his inner circle was square - I know psoriasis sufferers who are more comfortable in their own skin.
• ACLU - they are against public nativity scenes but will defend some psycho's right to have sex with the sheep in that nativity scene.
• "they're not Al-Kinda"