A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed,

-Worried About My Reputation

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the examining room and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*"            "*o.o*"        "*o.
o                       o                       *o
.o                        o                         'o
o                          o                         o.
o                           o                          o
o                           \o/                          o
o                          --0--                        o
o.                          /o\                          o
o                            o                           o
o                            o                          o
o                            o                        oo
oo                          o                        oo
oo.                        oo                     oo
'ooo.                   ..oo.                  ooo
o ""oo,,         ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
o.          """"""    oo        """""        o
'o                      oo                      o'
o                      oo                     o
'o                      o                     o*
o                      o                    o
o                      o                   o
o                     o                  o
o                     o                  o
o                     o                  o
o                     o                  o

You have just been e-mooned!

Notice to guests at our home:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want the dog to be near you, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?
4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.
6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for university, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

Seen on a teeshirt in the math department of a local college:

There are only 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who do not.