You Know You're Trailer Trash When

• The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your junior prom had a daycare.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
• You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the house of tattoos.
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
• You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood, ALL the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder the English language is so difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
• This was a good time to present the present. (And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time")
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
    Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
    Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness.
    Then my friend, Buy a cat! (You thought I was talking about a man didn't you!)

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less key.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "0" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas...

This should make you smile.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, we decided to get married. My parents helped us in everyway, my friends encouraged me, and my fiancée? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was unbelievably sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone.

As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make love to me just once". I was in total shock... what could I say?

As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings, just come up and take me." Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house......

Amazingly, her husband was standing outside.. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood home...

always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.

Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."

A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?

"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

WARNING: Groaner!

Apparently a teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of compasses, protractors, and rulers. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

None at this time