Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them in their life.

The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I stand there and it just dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and still I have a problem."

The 90 year old man said, "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me, is if I could wake up before 7:00."

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. These are the 2002 winners:

Coffee (n.)

a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.)

appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.)

to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.)

to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.)

impotent.

Negligent (adj.)

describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.)

to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.)

an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.)

the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.)

a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.)

a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.)

the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.)

a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pokemon (n)

A Jamaican proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism (n.)

The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.)

the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

The plane had just taken off when the person seated next to Little Johnny said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?"

None at this time