Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends.

Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures.

"Fooey", he said, "My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family.

Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. "Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast."

But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed. But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity?

The fugitive is found! "Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow! Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude."

These are a little off color but none the less funny.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

Dear Abby,

When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore.

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, she delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!"

THE FIFTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

• Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.
• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• if you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone to blame.
• Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it alone.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• You can't have everything! Where would you put it?
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
• When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

• Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
• If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
• I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.
• Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
• Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!

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