Rules of Etiquette for Experienced Cats

• Determine which guest hates cats.
• Sit on that lap during the entire evening. (He doesn"t dare push you off.)
• When sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, always select colors that contrast with your own.
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
• For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with an aloof disdain, a pair of claws applied to stockings, or a nip on the ankles.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with fore paws. Once door is open it's not necessary to use it.
• After you have ordered a door opened, stand half in and half out (particularly important in cold weather or mosquito season).
• When encountering a busy person, always sit under his chin. For book readers, lie across the book.
• For ladies knitting, curl up in lap, pretend to dose, then reach out and slap at the needles. She will try and distract you. Ignore her.
• For people doing homework, sit on papers. After being removed for the second time, push any thing movable off of the table, one at a time. (i.e. pencils, pens, stamps, or something that scatters like an open box of paper clips.
• Get enough sleep during the day time so that you are fresh for play between 2 and 4 a.m.
• If you are going to become flatulent (with abundant aroma), get under the table while the ladies are playing bridge. Then sneak off in stealth mode so that nobody knows it was the cat that did it.

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small.

Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
By it's size I could not guess,
The awesome strength it does possess.

But since I fell beneath its spell,
I've wandered through the fires of hell.
My life has not been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this stupid game.

It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me yell, curse and cry,
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly as it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
And even disappears before my eyes.

Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds a tiny patch of sand.

Then has me offering up my soul,
If only it would find the hole.
It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that i will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow,
But the ball knows... I'll be back tomorrow

How To Shower Like a Woman:

• Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
• Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
• Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups
• Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
• Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
• Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
• Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
• Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
• Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
• Rinse conditioner off hair.
• Shave armpits and legs.
• Turn off shower.
• Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
• Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
• Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
• Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
• If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

• Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
• Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
• Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
• Get in the shower.
• Wash your face
• Wash your armpits.
• Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
• Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
• Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
• Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
• Shampoo your hair.
• Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
• Pee.
• Rinse off and get out of shower.
• Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
• Admire the size of wiener in mirror again.
• Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
• Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
• Throw wet towel on bed.

• If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
• High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
• A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
• Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
• Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...
• You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
• If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
• And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Farmer Joe decided to take the trucking company responsible for his injuries to court.

The trucking company's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe, "At the scene of the accident, did you not say that you were fine?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question: Did you not say at the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

Farmer Joe replied, " I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and turned to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm trying to establish the fact that at the scene ot the accident, this man said he was fine. Now, several weeks later, he's trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question 'yes' or 'no',"

By this time, the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the attorney, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule."

Farmer Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving down th highway when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and struck my truck. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I heard Bessie moaning, but I was hurting real bad and couldn't move to help her.

"Shortly after the accident, a state trooper came on the scene," Farmer Joe continued. "He could hear Bessie, so he went over to where she lay. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and put her out of her misery."

"Then the trooper came across the road with his gun still in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape, I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

• How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
• Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
• Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
• Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
• That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
• Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
• The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
• Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
• Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
• Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

None at this time