Jokes for the Week Ending June 27, 2003

Jokes for the Week Ending
June 2, 2003

Useless Facts
Kids
There oughta be a law
Blonde Jokes
Health Care Humor

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1	A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
1R	possibly correct

2	Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK!
2R	possibly correct
3	The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
3R	acurate
4	A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
4R	Will try 4 one of these days and see...
5	A female ferret will die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate. (I know some people like that!)
5R	Hell, where are the human equivalents?
6	A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
6R	Ducks' quacks DO echo - if you get enough of them so they're loud enough - I've heard 'em in the Rockies, bouncing off the escarpment!
7	A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
7R	Not legally; by law in the U.S., if you advertise it as a 2x4, it must be a 2x4. If some builders are using smaller lumber to save money, that may be...
8	During the chariot scene in Ben Hur, a small red car can be seen in the distance. In Gone with the Wind, a lightbulb can be seen in the carriage block lantern as Scarlett is leaving the hospital and going into the Atlanta streets as people are frantically evacuating the city.
8R	Perhaps
9	On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! I knew it!
9R	Not bloody likely, at least not that anyone would admit and/or document. Besides, in most places in the world, childbirth still occurs at home...
10	Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
10R	Who knows?
11	Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
11R	Apparently not! From oscar.com 'The first year actual Oscar® statuettes were awarded in the supporting actor categories was 1945. That year, fullsize statuettes replaced the previously awarded plaques.'
12	The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
12R	b.s. There are 32 pieces on a chess board for a new game; 32 to the 4th power is 1,048,576. HOWEVER, not all pieces are in play right away. In fact, for the first move only the 16 pawns and four rooks have possible plays. Each of these has two possible moves on opening, meaning for the first move of a game, there are only 40 possible moves - and that's for the full first round, both players. But just for the point of argument, even if all 32 pieces could move to any of the other spaces, that would mean the above total of just over a million moves would be the most possible, not the ridiculous 300 billion touted...
13	There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
13R	So what? How about rutabaga? Parsnip?
14	The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
14R	Maybe. From Behind the Name (behindthename.com): “WENDY f English Pronounced: WEN-dee Probably first used in J. M. Barrie's play 'Peter Pan' in 1904. It was from the nickname fwendy "friend", given to the author by a young friend. However, there is some evidence that the name may have been used prior to the play, in which case it could be related to the Welsh name GWENDOLEN or other names beginning with gwen meaning "white, fair, blessed".
15	The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
15R	Wrong! The first bombing raids against Berlin were targeted at factories on the outskirts of the city, not at the city center were the zoo is. A competing urban legend says the first bomb freed the elephant ... (The Misappliance of Science site: http://www.tafkac.org/faq2k/science_2059.html.)
16	Who’d waste good booze on a bug?
16R	If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this??
17	Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
17R	Then how did Chuck Norris kill him in his last movie? And didn’t a young Jackie Chan best him in a film, too?
18	The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
18	I KNEW there was a reason I still preferred vinyl...
19	The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
19R	"Butterfly" in English Middle English buterflie, Old English buttorfleoge (written citation 1000 C.E.) The Oxford English Dictionary notes some old Dutch words "botervlieg" and "boterschijte", and conjectures that butterflies' excrement may have been thought to resemble butter, hence giving the name "butter-shit", then "butter-fly". Webster's Third New International Dictionary says perhaps the word comes from the notion that butterflies, or witches in that form, stole milk and butter (see German "Schmetterling" below).
20	The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. WHAT??? On the other hand, wives could fight back with a weapon of any size.
20R	Feminist propaganda unsupported by etymological research. See Urban Legends entry at http://www.urbanlegends.com/language/etymology/rule_of_thumb.html.
21	The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
21R	False. From Motorola.com: "Sign of the times" After a year in business producing battery eliminators, Paul and Joseph Galvin were looking to keep the company growing. But after the 1929 stock market crash in the U.S., sales plummeted. Galvin Manufacturing Corporation was close to failing. Paul Galvin soon learned that others were experimenting with installing radios in cars. The Galvins assembled a team to design a practical, inexpensive car radio. The success of these car radios put the company back on track. Street signs advertised, "America's finest Motorola radio priced as low as $29.95." In fact, in 1929, the electronic record player was not yet invented - that didn’t come until after World War II with the development of the 45 rpm. There WERE record players for automobiles developed in the 1950s; I remember seeing adverts for them in old National Geographics - the units looked like the Close ‘n’ Plays we had as kids.
22	Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
22R	Profound. Of course, roses are many other colors than red... some even are rose...
23	By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER?
23R	By leaning back and spreading your arms - the same flotation trick you use in water - you can stabilize your position in quicksand, yes.
24	Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
24R	Even if true, not reason enough to eat that nasty stuff.
25	Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin Look-Alike Contest.
25R	This surprised me - TRUE. From Snopes.com: “Legend has it that Chaplin himself once entered -- and lost -- one of these competitions. It is usually said the contest was held in Monte Carlo or Switzerland, and that he came in second or third. (Some versions claim that Chaplin's brother Syd was judged the winner.) Chaplin did indeed fare poorly in a Chaplin look-alike contest, but the competition took place in a San Francisco theater. His final standing is not recorded, although it was noted that he "failed even to make the finals." Chaplin told a reporter at this time that he was "tempted to give lessons in the Chaplin walk, out of pity as well as in the desire to see the thing done correctly."
26	Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
26	What? It’ll make your gum taste like onions is all it’ll do...
27	Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson" in the books.
27R	No, but he said it a lot in the old movies...
28	An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing?
28R	Who knows...
29	The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
29R	Who knows...
30	The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
30R	Who knows...
31	Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages the suit.
31R	Astronauts are fed a very low-roughage diet in the weeks before a mission (and obviously while ON the mission) because defecation in orbit is messy. Besides, the odor in a cabin builds up - when the Navy SEALS pulled the Apollo crews out after 10 days in space, they regularly puked from the odor of feces and BO that permeated the cabin. The astronauts, of course, were used to it and didn’t understand the reaction ... But methane does not damage the suits - in fact, during John Glenn’s first orbital Mercury flight, he was forced to sit on the launch pad for so long with delays that he couldn’t hold it any more. As the first missions that he and Alan Shepard flew were less than an hour in length, no urine pouches had been installed (Air Force pilots already wore them on long bomber flights). Ground Control told Glenn to go ahead and piss into his suit rather than be so uncomfortable that he couldn’t make good observations during the flight.
32	Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
32R	Who knows...

Subject: Kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, hey can ignite.
A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade... true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,

"... And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Subject: There Oughta be a law

O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Dennison's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Foster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Leech's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glide's formula for success: The secret of success is sin-cerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Subject: Blonde Jokes

Q:	How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A:	Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q:	What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A:	They're both empty from the neck up.

Q:	How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A:	Wave

Q:	What does a blonde owl say?
A:	What, what?

Q:	Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A:	To see what was on the other side.

Q:	Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A:	To turn the blinker off.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over 4 hours.

Subject: Health Care Humor

A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
— Dr. Mark MacDonald ( San Antonio, TX)

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
— Dr. Richard Byrnes ( Seattle, WA)

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
— Dr. Susan Steinberg ( Manitoba, Canada)

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
— Dr. Matthew Theodropolous ( Worcester, MA)

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

— Dr. Rebecca St.Clair ( Norfolk, VA)

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
— Dr. Steven Swanson ( Corvallis, OR)

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
— Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And the winner is...
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'"

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