OK, guys. Ever been in that embarrassing situation of having your lady ask you if a certain piece of clothing makes her look fat? Well, live in fear no longer! Here are some snappy answers that should help you.

Remember... The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge, said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.

I should be in charge said the blood, because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away.

I should be in charge, said the stomach, because I process food and give all of you energy.

I should be in charge said the legs, because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.

I should be in charge said the eyes, because I allow the body to see where it goes.

I should be in charge, said the rectum, because I'm very important. All the other body parts laughed and insulted him, so in a huff, he refused to work.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be in charge.

And so it is today, the ass hole is always in charge.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed A man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said, 'BRING POSSE!'"

A boss, concerned with his best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. The small voice whispered, " No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,the Boss asked, "May I speak with the polieman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman", whispered the child. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

A redneck walked into the local welfare office, approached the counter and said, "Hi, I hate getting welfare checks. I would really rather find a job." The clerk behind the counter responded, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'd have to drive around a big Mercedes. Clothing would be provided. Because of the long hours, meals would be provided as well. You would be required to escort the young lady on her holiday trips overseas. The compensation package is worth over $200,000 a year."

The redneck said, "You're bullshitting me man."

The clerk said, "Well, you started it."

History About The Middle Finger!

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Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw he renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

"PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew everything

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

None at this time