It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office, and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a checkup.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even asked Mabel, the lady next door. She tried too-first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damned jar open!"

This is not intended to offend nobody... or is that anybody?

• A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
• How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pick-up truck.
• Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
• What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.
• Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
• A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
• Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
• The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books — poof! — up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
• A new law was recently passed in Mississippi: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Somewhere in the USA — "OOPS"

A Woman pulls up to a red light behind one other car. She notices the driver of the car in front of her is talking on his CELL phone, and appears to be shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him. The light turns greed, but the man doesn't notice the light change...

The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel, and yelling at the man to move! The man doesn't move! The woman is going ballestic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash...

The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, and scream curses at the man. The man hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light, and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red...

The woman is beside herself, screaming and is very frustrated, as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a TAP on her window, and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, and is speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine the policeman orders her to exit the car with her hands up. The woman gets out of the car, and the policeman orders her to turn and place her hands on the car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof, and quickly is cuffed, and hustled into the patrol car...

The woman is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions, and she is driven to the police station — where she is Fingerprinted, Photographed, Searched, Booked, and Placed in a Cell.

After a couple of hours a policeman approaches the cell, and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the Booking Desk where the orginal officer is waiting with her personal effects.

The policeman hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, and the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated 'Christian Fish Emblem' on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had STOLEN THE CAR."

• Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
• I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
• Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
• I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect
• Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
• How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
• Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

• A tube of K-Y jelly;
• A rubber glove; and
• A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably irritated and stormed over to the the door. The doctor flung the door open and yelled to his nurse...

Damn it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
    —Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
    —John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
    —Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
    —Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
    —Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
    —Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
    —William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
    —Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
    —Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
    —Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
    —Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
    —Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
    —Jack E. Leonard