A New Peace Plan Every True American Needs to Read!

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

The Language we speak is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE...

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.

The Statue of Liberty no longer says "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

A Scotsman, an American and an Irishman all agree that the bar they are in is a nice place. The Scot ays, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but back where I come from, at MacDougal's, you buy a couple drinks and they buy the third!"

The American says, "That's nice, but there's a better bar where I come from. At Vinny's, in Brooklyn, you buy a drink, Vinny buys the next, you buy another and Vinny buys the next!"

Everyone agrees, that's a nice bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy your first drink, then they buy you a second drink, then they buy you a third drink, then they buy you a fourth drink and then they take you in the back and you get laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's a fantastic bar! Did this actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irishman, "but it happened to me sister!"

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

17. I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
1. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
17. Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
1. Depends how much you've been drinking.
17. I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto — can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
1. Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
17. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?(Sweden)
1. So its true what they say about Swedes.
17. It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
1. Let's not touch this one.
17. Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
1. What did your last slave die of?
17. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
1. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
17. Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
1. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
17. Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
1. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
17. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
1. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
17. Do you have perfume in Canada? (France)
1. No, WE don't stink.
17. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
1. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
17. Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
1. You are an American politician, right?
17. Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?(Italy)
1. Yes, gay nightclubs.
17. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
1. Only at Thanksgiving.
17. Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
1. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk Is illegal.
17. Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
1. All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.
17. I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
1. It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
17. I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
1. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
17. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
1. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Now I know why doctors charge more than mechanics.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.

The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I, too, can open it up, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic:

"Try doing it while it's running!"

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

You live in Arizona when...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion, and stinker.