A lady walked into a drug store and told thepharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license. They'd throw both of us in jail!"

The lady reached into her purse, pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the photo and said, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do...

Do Not Go!!!

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before TV, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers. Clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air.

Your grandmother and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. They went hunting and fishing together.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' After I turned 25, I called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

Sundays were set aside for going to church, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors.

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together, not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. I don't remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If anything said "Made in Japan',' it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy for $600. Gas was 11 cents a gallon.

'Grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.

We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am?

      — This man would be only 59 years old.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred — Forgive
2. Free your mind from worries — Most never happen
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have
4. Give more
5. Expect less

Enough of that crap...

The donkey later came back and bit the hell out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

Moral For Today:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

John Madden was in Chicago to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bear's bench. He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100."

John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $100. John's picks were perfect that week.

The next week John was in Texas when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Cowboy's bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's a hotline to God, if you want to use it, it will cost you $500."

Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect! again that week.

The next weekend John was in Green Bay at Lambeau Field when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Packers bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Brett said , "Yes, but it will cost you 35 cents." John looked incredulously at Brett and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $100 in Chicago and $500 in Texas to use the same phone to God! Why does Green Bay only charge 35 cents?"

Brett looked at John and replied, "In Green Bay, It's a local call."