• Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That's why you pay him/her.
• Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
• Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop," And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
• Enjoy the simple things.
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
• The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is God. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
• Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
• Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
• Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And Always Remember:

• Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

• If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
• Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
• Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Man: Hey baby... Let's play "carpenter." First we get hammered, then I nail you.
Woman: You didn't bring enough wood.

Man: Hey baby... You must be from Jamaica because Jamaican me horny!
Woman: You must be from the Yukon... because Yukon go screw yourself.

Man: Hey baby... Your butt's so fine it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Woman: Well... Not everyone can wear their's on their shoulders.

Man: Hey baby... You got it going on, now how 'bout I see it coming off?
Woman: I'm sorry... I didn't see the weather channel today... Did Hell freeze over?

Man: Hey baby... You must be a General because you're making my Privates stand at attention.
Woman: Hmmm... They're still a Major disappointment.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update:

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

This test is for men, but the women may enjoy it, too... Enjoy! LOL