Subject: A man walks up to bar (PG-13)A man walks into a bar...
Subject: A man walks up to bar (PG-13)
A man walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him.
The barman comes over, regards the three rather curiously, and asks "What'll it be"", to which the man replies "Well, I'll have a pint" and, turning to the ostrich "What do you want?" "I'll have a pint as well" replies the ostrich. The man looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?", to which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin' paying!"
The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three dollars forty please". To the barman's surprise the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly $3.40 in loose change, which he puts on the bar.
A few days later the same thing happens.
The man, the ostrich and the small cat come back to the bar. "I'll have a pint" says the man, "I'll have a pint" says the ostrich, "and I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin paying" says the cat. "That'll be three dollars forty" says the barman, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly $3.40. This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman. Finally, as last orders are being called, the man the ostrich and the cat come back to the bar.
"Well" says the man "its last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch", and turning to the ostrich "what do you want?" "I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich. Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him, the man says "And I suppose you want something as well?" "I'll have a small scotch" says the cat, "but I ain't fuckin' payin'."
The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to the man, with a sly grin on his face, "That'll be seven dollars twenty please." To his amazement and disbelief the man puts his hand in his pocket,feels about, and pulls out exactly $7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their drinks and are about to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir, but before you leave there is something I must know... how do you always manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket, every time?" "Well" says the man, "its a long story, but basically several years ago I looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out the attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?". "Well," says the man, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right money will always be there".
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a million dollars or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you want."
"Oh yes" says the man, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to buy a pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls Royce the exact money will be there too!"
As the man turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "One last thing sir, your friends... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here" to which the man looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst thing I ever did... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
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